Big Cock Brock Goes Supernova While Stroud Boys Set Football Back A Decade
Week 9 brought a 49-point tight end performance, an 89-point blowout, and a 2-point heart attack — and somebody still managed to score 98.
Power Rankings
Browning Out 155.62 over Christian McCalfinjury 153.42 — a 2.20-point bloodbath decided by a Joe Flacco 32.70 spot from King Unc himself. Meanwhile Matt is staring at Jaxson Dart's 27.24 bench points wondering what could've been, while Christian Kirk and Jordan Addison were apparently traded for in time to do absolutely nothing. Closest game of the week, most painful loss of the season.
Let's start at the top: Nick dropped 199.58 and Big Cock Brock posted FORTY-NINE POINTS at tight end. Forty-nine. That's not a TE line, that's a Madden glitch. Caleb 'Nail Polish Enthusiast' Williams chipped in 38.70, Herbert added 28.70, and Big Penix sat on the bench for 22.74 because Nick hates leaving meat off the bone. Little Peckers got Tee Higgins'd to 33 and still lost by 69 — nice number, terrible result, Unc Aaron Jones could not save you.
T Swift's Baddies hung 205.60 on The Good Ladds in a game that should be investigated by the FBI. Drake London 38.80, Loveland 32.80, and Mig watched Josh '3rd Overall Somehow' Allen go for 28.82 in a 89-POINT loss. That's the dynasty equivalent of bringing a Ferrari to a knife fight and crashing it in the parking lot. Jayden 1, Jayden 2, and Jaydon 3 combined for what felt like Jayden 0.
Rub My Chubb stomped QAmon 164-113 behind Rico Dowdle of all people putting up 28.10. Kyle's response? Trade for Josh Downs. Cool. Meanwhile ShAmon-Ra and Tiny-Handed Vampire watched the Dead Rat do dead rat things.
OnlyFants handled Egbukkake despite Sean running a 100% efficient lineup — congrats on perfectly optimizing 134.80, that's like winning Best Dressed at a funeral. He also panic-traded Deebo for DeMario Douglas, which is a trade Stroud Boys should not be celebrating either, because Stroud Boys scored NINETY-EIGHT POINTS while leaving 37.30 on the bench. Money Mill$ couldn't even bail them out. The Prodigal Son needs to come home faster.
And McBridesStrangeWhiteHock won 128-98 with Sam Darnold (28.20), Jacoby Brissett (24.84), and Tory Horton (20.80) ALL on the bench. You started the wrong three QBs in a SuperFlex and still won. That's not a flex, that's a war crime.
Weekly Awards
Nut Olave Your FaceBig Cock Brock posted 49.30 at TE and somewhere a fantasy analyst is rewriting their rankings in tears.
McBridesStrangeWhiteHockSam Darnold, Brissett, and Tory Horton combined for 73 points of pure pine-riding excellence.
Stroud Boys98.56 points and 37 left on the bench — somehow both the worst score AND the worst lineup decisions of the week.
Christian McCalfinjuryAcquired Christian Kirk, Jordan Addison, AND Romeo Doubs in one week, then lost by 2.20 because Jaxson Dart sat on the bench.