← All Recaps
2025 · Week 13

Week 13: McCalfinjury Drops a 170-Burger and the League Files a Police Report

Christian McCalfinjury just put up a number that should require a urine test while half the league forgot what week it was.

Power Rankings

1
▲4
Christian McCalfinjury
170.96 with Zach Ertz as a co-lead — this is either the best team in the league or the most haunted, and right now nobody cares which.
2
▲9
Rub My Chubb
A.J. Brown went nuclear for 35.2 and BigD just keeps quietly stacking wins while everyone else live-tweets their own funerals.
3
▲9
Browning Out
Benched 22.6 from Scary Terry and still hung 147 — that's a problem for the rest of the bracket.
4
▲3
McBridesStrangeWhiteHock
Trey McBride is single-handedly funding this playoff run; the rest of the roster is basically a GoFundMe.
5
▼3
Nut Olave Your Face
Mustard and Big Cock Brock dropped 54 combined and Nick STILL left 50 points benched — imagine the ceiling if he learned how lineups work.
6
▼2
OnlyFants
130 points and a loss is the most OnlyFants thing Cubby could've done this week.
7
▼1
The Good Ladds
GOAT Young rotted on the bench for 22.54 in a 41-point loss — Mig collects Jaydens like Pokémon and starts none of the right ones.
8
▼5
Egbukkake
The Mascot, Perc Hurts, and HHH Henry couldn't crack 123; Szara's nicknames are doing more work than his starters.
9
·
QAmon
Started King Unc, Turf Toe Joe, AND ShAmon-Ra and scored 96 — that's a stable of QBs and a barn fire all at once.
10
▼9
T swift’s Baddies
Benched Marcus Mariota for 24.26 in a 22-point loss; Taylor's writing a breakup album about her own lineup decisions.
11
▼1
Little Peckers
Mahomes 29, everyone else combined: a wet fart — Papi won and somehow looked worse doing it.
12
▼4
Stroud Boys
89.74 is the kind of score that makes The Prodigal Son want to leave again.
Match of the Week

McBridesStrangeWhiteHock vs OnlyFants was the only game where anyone broke a sweat — a 7.28-point knife fight where Trey McBride (26.2) and CeeDee Lamb (24.2) just barely outran Rashee Rice's 29.4. Cubby brought a 130-spot and still lost because his roster forgot it's playoff push season. Rocks survives by the skin of his teeth and somehow climbs the standings while everyone pretends that was impressive.

Let's start with the crime scene: Christian McCalfinjury hung 170.96 on The Good Ladds, with Jordan Love (25.76) and ZACH ERTZ (25.60 — yes, that Zach Ertz, somehow still alive) leading the charge at 91% lineup efficiency. Wunder ran the most optimized lineup of the year while Mig watched GOAT Young drop 22.54 on his bench because he started Brissett-flavored vibes instead. Jayden 1, Jayden 2, Jayden 3 — pick a Jayden, any Jayden, just not the one that wins you the week.

Nickcelli put up 129 and STILL left 50.32 points on the bench — Adonai Mitchell (24.2) and Tyrod Taylor (21.28) rotting next to the Gatorade cooler while Mustard (30.3) and Big Cock Brock (24.3) carried him past QAmon. Imagine being the only manager with a 179-point optimal lineup and still finding a way to look like a clown. Meanwhile Kyle's QAmon room — King Unc, Turf Toe Joe, ShAmon-Ra, the whole carnival — mustered 96.68. The Tiny-Handed Vampire couldn't even bite back.

Browning Out put 147 on Egbukkake and Szara's nicknamed zoo (The Mascot, Perc Hurts, Press In Case of Emergency) still couldn't crack 123. Patrick also benched Terry McLaurin for 22.6 because of course he did, and won by 25 anyway — that's the kind of week where you just nod and walk away.

Rub My Chubb rode A.J. Brown's 35.2-point eruption past T Swift's Baddies, who were busy watching Marcus Mariota — MARCUS MARIOTA — drop 24.26 from the pine. Tnicolle, you started the wrong QB. Marcus Mariota. Read that back.

And in the Sad Bowl, Little Peckers squeaked past Stroud Boys 101 to 89 in a game so ugly the NFL almost flexed it out. Mahomes went for 29.44 and the rest of Papi's roster combined for 72. Bjewett's Stroud Boys posted the week's lowest score because Money Mill$ apparently can't even cover his own name's spread.

Weekly Awards

Drop the Mic, Drop the League
Christian McCalfinjury

170.96 and 91% efficiency — Wunder cooked the entire kitchen and salted the earth.

Bench Warmer of the Week
Nut Olave Your Face

50.32 points on the pine in a WIN is a level of self-sabotage we should study in a lab.

You Started WHO?
T swift’s Baddies

Marcus Mariota dropped 24.26 from the bench in a 22-point loss — say his name out loud and feel the pain.

Participation Trophy
Little Peckers

Won with 101.88 against the league's worst score; don't pop champagne, pop a Tums.