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2024 · Week 9

Week 9: The Massacre at Six Different Addresses

Not a single matchup decided by less than 28 points — this wasn't a slate, it was a war crime tribunal.

Power Rankings

1
▲5
The Olave Garden
187 points with five different starters over 27 — Patrick is running a cheat code and the rest of you are playing on Hard.
2
▼1
226 Alpha
Hurts goes for 29.90 and Szara wins by 62 — this team is quietly the most terrifying roster in the league.
3
·
LargestofRocks
Won by 59 with 75 points on the bench, which means the ceiling is somewhere in low Earth orbit.
4
▲6
MassiveCocks
When Mike freaking Gesicki is your league-winner of the week, the football gods clearly owe you favors.
5
—
T swift’s Baddies
Dropped 151 on the league's saddest team — a flex, but the kind you do in a mirror alone.
6
▲1
Stroud Boys
JSN went full nuclear for 37 and bjewett still only mustered 127 — win is a win, but the supporting cast is auditioning for community theater.
7
—
Jets’ Juniors
132 points is a respectable number that meant absolutely nothing this week — welcome to fantasy football.
8
▼3
OnlyFants
Garrett Wilson hung 30 and Cubby still got buried by 59 — your WR1 deserves witness protection.
9
▼1
Hot Cocks
98% lineup efficiency and a 62-point loss is the fantasy equivalent of acing the test on the wrong day.
10
▼6
The Good Ladds
Lost by 62 with 44 points on the bench — Mig set the lineup with a coin flip and the coin landed on its side.
11
▲1
Put an AR to My Head
Saquon dropped 32.9 and you couldn't reach triple digits — Kyle, the AR is starting to look like the practical option.
12
▼3
Bo Nix Celli
89 points in a SuperFlex league while Herbert sat on the bench — Nick is trading picks like a man trying to outrun a fire he started.
Match of the Week

The Olave Garden didn't just beat Hot Cocks, they served them a 187-point tasting menu while Hot Cocks were still buttering their bread. Burrow, Achane, Kamara, Kelce, AND Zay Flowers all in one lineup is borderline illegal in 38 states. The funniest part? Hot Cocks ran a 98% efficient lineup — the most clinically optimized loss of the year.

Week 9 wasn't competitive football, it was a public stoning. Six matchups, zero finishes inside 28 points, and the league collectively wondering if the schedule generator has a vendetta.

Let's start at the bottom of the toilet, where Bo Nix Celli put up a stately 89.50 — a number so embarrassing it should be illegal in a SuperFlex league. Justin Herbert dropped 19.48 on your bench, Nick. Did you forget you have a QB slot? Two of them? Meanwhile you're trading away picks for nothing, just rearranging deck chairs on a yacht that never left the harbor.

LargestofRocks won by 59 and still has the audacity to be the week's most negligent GM. DeAndre Hopkins (28.6), Daniel Jones (24.36), AND Quentin Johnston (22) — that's 75 points rotting on your bench while you put up 179. Imagine being THIS rich and this stupid simultaneously. OnlyFants got steamrolled despite Garrett Wilson going for 30; Cubby, your WR1 is begging for help and you're sending in JAGs.

The Good Ladds deserve their own circle of hell — losing by 62 to 226 Alpha while leaving 44.38 points on the bench, headlined by Demarcus Robinson going for 27.4 in street clothes. Mig, Hurts dropped 29.90 on Szara's side and your guys were busy losing the matchup AND the lineup-setting contest. 226 Alpha is just rolling now.

Stroud Boys squeaked out the "closest" game of the week (28 points lol) thanks to JSN's 37-burger, while Put an AR to My Head wasted a 32.9 from Saquon. Kyle, you got a Saquon ceiling game and still couldn't crack 100 — that's a special kind of malpractice. T swift's Baddies hung 151 on Bo Nix to remind everyone they exist, and MassiveCocks rode a 29.5 from Mike Gesicki, of all people, to handle Jets' Juniors. Mattwunder, your team got Geseckied. Process that.

Weekly Awards

Buffet Champion 🍝
The Olave Garden

187.14 points and four starters in the league's top 10 — the kitchen never closed.

Bench Hall of Fame 🪑
LargestofRocks

Hopkins, D-Jones, and Q-Johnston combined for 75 points in street clothes — congrats on the most expensive nap in league history.

Lineup Malpractice Award ⚖️
The Good Ladds

Left 44.38 points on the bench in a 62-point loss — you needed a lawyer, not a lineup.

Saddest Box Score 💀
Bo Nix Celli

89.50 in SuperFlex with Herbert benched — even the trade machine is filing a restraining order.