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2024 · Week 3

AR-15 to the Dome: Kyle Dech Pistol-Whips the League into Week 4

Put an AR to My Head dropped a 186.96 nuke fueled by Jauan Jennings going full demon, while Bo Nix Celli quietly benched a championship.

Power Rankings

1
▲5
Put an AR to My Head
186.96 with Jauan Jennings as your WR1 is either witchcraft or insider trading and frankly I don't care which.
2
▼1
T swift's Baddies
165 points and the only thing more efficient than your 100% lineup is how fast you'd dump these guys mid-season.
3
▲5
OnlyFants
When your tight end outscores half the league's flexes, you're allowed to be smug — for one week.
4
▼1
Stroud Boys
Kyren Williams 31.60 is doing the heavy lifting because nothing on this roster says 'Stroud' anymore.
5
▲4
Hot Cocks
143 points in a loss with Diontae rotting on your bench is the cock-iest way to start 1-2.
6
▼1
LargestofRocks
Quiet 138-point dub, sneaky team, but the name still sounds like a urology diagnosis.
7
·
Bo Nix Celli
Left 47 points on the bench — Chuba Hubbard had 27.90 in flip-flops while you started a corpse.
8
▲4
The Good Ladds
Josh Allen drops 30, Kmet drops 30 on the bench, you drop the game — congrats on the tragedy trifecta.
9
▲2
MassiveCocks
Won by 3.56 against the league's lowest scorer and somehow that's still your best win of the year.
10
▼8
The Olave Garden
Terry McLaurin posts a 20-burger on the bench while your starters served unlimited breadsticks of nothing.
11
▼7
Jets' Juniors
Got 60 from your QB/RB1 combo and still lost by 47 — that's not a roster, that's a cry for help.
12
▼2
226 Alpha
Lowest score of the week at 109 — the only thing 'Alpha' here is the alphabetical order this team will finish in.
Match of the Week

Put an AR to My Head vs Jets' Juniors wasn't a matchup, it was a hostage video. Kyle hung 186.96 on Wunder thanks to a Jauan Jennings 46.50 burst nobody on Earth saw coming and a casual 33.60 from Saquon. Matt countered with 70 points from Henry/Dak, left 25 more on the bench with Malik Willis, and still lost by 47 — the fantasy equivalent of bringing a knife to an artillery duel.

Welcome to Week 3, where Kyle Dech apparently sold his soul to a 49ers slot receiver. Jauan Jennings — JAUAN JENNINGS — went for 46.50 and dragged Put an AR to My Head to a league-high 186.96. That's not a fantasy score, that's a felony charge. Jets' Juniors got vaporized by 47 and the worst part is Matt left Malik Willis and his 25 points rotting on the bench while starting… we don't even need to look. It was wrong.

Meanwhile, Bo Nix Celli pulled off the most Bo Nix Celli move imaginable: scored 127, lost by 25, and left 47.14 points on the bench. Chuba Hubbard alone dropped 27.90 in street clothes while Nick stared at his lineup like it was a Rubik's cube. OnlyFants didn't even need to try — Cubby got 32 from Dallas Goedert (a TIGHT END) and 29 from Rashee Rice and cruised. Speaking of bench crimes, The Good Ladds let Cole Kmet erupt for 30.70 while losing to Stroud Boys, who rode Kyren Williams' 31.60 to a comfy W. Mig got 31 from Josh Allen and STILL lost. That's a special kind of pain.

T swift's Baddies put up 165 and torched Hot Cocks in a track meet — BigD got 29 from Ja'Marr Chase, 26 more from Diontae on the bench, and still couldn't crack 143. LargestofRocks handled The Olave Garden while Patrick watched Terry McLaurin drop a deuce of double-digits from the pine. And in the snoozer of the week, MassiveCocks survived 226 Alpha by 3.56 in a game that featured the lowest score of the slate. Szara, you scored 109 — that's not a fantasy lineup, that's a bye week with extra steps. Congrats to everyone who won. Therapy is available for everyone who benched 25+ points. Looking at half the league.

Weekly Awards

Felony Assault of the Week
Put an AR to My Head

47-point beatdown on Jets' Juniors with Jauan Jennings as the murder weapon — somebody read this man his rights.

Bench Coach of the Year
Bo Nix Celli

47.14 points left on the pine in a 25-point loss — Chuba Hubbard's stat line is suing for emotional damages.

Cole Kmet Memorial Cope Award
The Good Ladds

30.70 from your benched TE and 30.92 from your starting QB and you still ate an L — poetry, really.

Participation Trophy
226 Alpha

109 points, lowest score of the week, and you somehow lost by less than four — efficient mediocrity is still mediocrity.