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2024 · Week 17

Championship Hangover: Week 17 Was a Bloodbath and Szara Forgot Football Was Today

Four winners, eight losers, and one 226 Alpha lineup that looked like it was set by a Magic 8-Ball.

Power Rankings

1
·
Put an AR to My Head
173.52 in a must-win and Kyle is suddenly the scariest team alive heading into the playoff picture.
2
▲9
MassiveCocks
Tee Higgins and Malik Nabers combined for 76.20 and the rest of the roster just had to not trip on the way to the bus.
3
·
T swift's Baddies
Highest score in the league and it didn't even matter — peak 'rich guy crying in a Ferrari' energy.
4
▲1
OnlyFants
Cubby's been quietly cooking and a 167-burger on The Good Ladds is the loudest he's been all year.
5
▲4
Hot Cocks
94.8% lineup efficiency in a week everyone else was huffing glue — BigD is playing a different sport.
6
▼4
The Olave Garden
Burrow drops 36.98 and you still lose — the unlimited breadsticks couldn't save this one.
7
·
LargestofRocks
Got 69+ from McBride and Daniels, lost anyway, and Zach Ertz watched 28 points evaporate from the sideline.
8
·
Bo Nix Celli
Marvin Mims dropped 30.20 on your bench and you lost by 16 — Nick, that's a math problem with one answer and it's 'you suck at this.'
9
▼3
Stroud Boys
Bye-week silence is the loudest commentary on this roster right now.
10
·
Jets' Juniors
Mike Evans put up 29.70 and it's the only sentence worth writing about Wunder this week.
11
▼7
The Good Ladds
149.52 and a loss — you're the human embodiment of 'so close yet so far.'
12
·
226 Alpha
Left 70.90 points on the bench in Week 17 of a dynasty league — Szara, did you know we were playing?
Match of the Week

Put an AR to My Head dropped 173.52 on The Olave Garden, which would've been a clean execution if Patrick's Joe Burrow hadn't gone full nuclear for 36.98 in a losing effort. Olave Garden put up 155.14 — a number that wins most weeks and loses this one by nearly 20. Kyle didn't just beat you, he made Burrow's monster line a footnote.

Let's start with the war crime: 226 Alpha scored 79.76 while leaving 70.90 points on the bench. Szara, my guy, you literally had a 150.66 optimal lineup and you chose violence — against yourself. Michael Pittman put up 25.90 in street clothes on your bench while your starting roster looked like a CVS receipt. That's not a lineup, that's a cry for help.

MassiveCocks rode Tee Higgins (40.10) and Malik Nabers (36.10) to a 170.30 nuke that buried Bo Nix Celli, who somehow stuffed Marvin Mims and his 30.20 points onto the bench like a guy hiding a bottle from his wife. Celli, you had the win sitting right there in your reserves and you watched it rot. That's a 16-point loss that should've been a 14-point W.

OnlyFants put up 167.34 behind a Brock Purdy resurrection tour (32.28) and sent The Good Ladds home with 149.52 and a participation ribbon. Mig, putting up 149 and still losing is the most Good Ladds thing imaginable.

Hot Cocks squeaked past LargestofRocks 159-149 with 94.8% lineup efficiency — basically the only person in the league this week who knew what day it was. Meanwhile LargestofRocks got 36.30 from Trey McBride AND 32.78 from Jayden Daniels and STILL lost, mostly because Zach Ertz dropped 28.20 on the bench. Two elite scores wasted. Brutal.

And then there's T swift's Baddies — league-high 175.98 points... in a week with no matchup that mattered for them, apparently, because Ricky Pearsall (28.70) and Alec Pierce (24.20) both ate pine. Tnicolle scored the most points in the league and somehow still managed to leave 50+ on the bench. That's a flex and a self-own in the same breath.

Weekly Awards

Lineup Malpractice of the Year
226 Alpha

A 79.76 score with a 150.66 optimal — Szara filed his lineup like it was a tax extension he never meant to submit.

Bench Warmer Hall of Fame
Bo Nix Celli

Marvin Mims went for 30.20 in street clothes while Celli lost by 16 — the receipts are framed and on the wall.

Loud Loser Award
LargestofRocks

Two top-7 starters in the entire league this week and still walked off the field a loser.

Cold-Blooded Killer
Put an AR to My Head

Hung 173 on Olave Garden and treated Burrow's 36.98 like an inconvenience.