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2024 · Week 12

Saquon Eats, 226 Alpha Starves, and Mig Leaves a Buick on the Bench

Week 12 was a bloodbath of bench mismanagement, Saquon supremacy, and one Stroud Boys win decided by a single Jonnu Smith hip-shake.

Power Rankings

1
·
Put an AR to My Head
99.7% lineup efficiency and a 46-point Saquon eruption — Kyle is playing chess while the league plays Candy Crush.
2
▲2
LargestofRocks
League-high 163 with 60 points stapled to the bench — terrifying ceiling, even more terrifying that he doesn't need to set lineups correctly to win.
3
▼1
The Olave Garden
Casually hung 153 and made 226 Alpha look like a JV scrimmage.
4
▲4
MassiveCocks
Three 28-point studs and a loss — peak 'good roster, bad week' energy, but still a top-tier squad.
5
▼2
Hot Cocks
BigD quietly stacked another W while Mig was busy benching half his points — opportunistic and dangerous.
6
▼1
Jets' Juniors
Courtland Sutton heroball got the job done, but beating OnlyFants isn't exactly a Heisman moment.
7
▲2
The Good Ladds
Optimal lineup of 163 would've been a top-2 score; actual lineup of 117 was a loss — Mig is the league's most expensive self-own.
8
▲2
T Swift's Baddies
122 points and you still lost by a Jonnu Smith stiff-arm — the universe is not on Tnicolle's side.
9
▲2
Stroud Boys
Won by 1.04 and acted like he meant to — Jonnu Smith literally saved this man's week.
10
▼4
Bo Nix Celli
Got Saquon'd into oblivion and put up 106 in a SuperFlex — sound the alarms, the namesake QB ain't walking through that door.
11
▼4
OnlyFants
105 points means even your subscribers are unsubscribing.
12
·
226 Alpha
Lowest score of the week, lost by 52, and the only 'Alpha' here is the one in front of his draft grade — F.
Match of the Week

Stroud Boys 123.58, T Swift's Baddies 122.54 — a 1.04 point heart attack that came down to the final whistle. Jonnu Smith dropping 28.20 was the only reason bjewett didn't have to log onto Sleeper and face the music. Tnicolle is somewhere staring at the ceiling wondering which 0.6-point flex decision cost her the week.

Let's start with the carnage in Put an AR to My Head vs. Bo Nix Celli, because Saquon Barkley personally went 46.20 and made nickcelli question his life choices. Add Jordan Addison's 30-burger and Kyle hit 99.7% lineup efficiency — the most ruthlessly optimized roster of the week beating the most poorly-timed one by 51.42. Nick, you scored 106 in a SuperFlex league. That's not a fantasy team, that's a cry for help.

Meanwhile, LargestofRocks dropped a league-high 163.52 on MassiveCocks and STILL managed to leave 60+ points rotting on the bench. Sam Darnold (21.10), Nick Chubb (19), and Zach Ertz (18.80) all watched from the pine while Rocks won by 12. Imagine being that good and that bad simultaneously. 7BigPapi got 28 from Mahomes, 28 from Tua, 28 from Waddle and still lost — three guys went nuclear and it wasn't enough. That's a special kind of pain.

The Good Ladds deserve their own paragraph of shame. Mig scored 117, LOST by 25 to Hot Cocks, and left 45.96 points on the bench. Noah Gray put up 24.60 in street clothes (your clothes). Ameer Abdullah added 17.50. You started the wrong TE, the wrong RB, and probably the wrong attitude. BigD didn't beat you — you beat yourself and BigD just signed the death certificate.

The Olave Garden put 226 Alpha in a body bag, 153 to 100. Szara's squad was the lowest scorer of the entire week and Patrickreegs barely had to try. mattwunder's Jets' Juniors rode Courtland Sutton's 29.70 to a 37-point beatdown of OnlyFants — Cubby, 105 points isn't beating anyone in this league, it's barely beating a bye week.

Weekly Awards

Saquon Bowl MVP
Put an AR to My Head

46.20 from Saquon plus a 30-spot from Addison — Kyle didn't win, he committed a hate crime.

Bench Coach of the Year
The Good Ladds

45.96 points on the bench in a 25-point loss — Mig, the lineup deadline isn't a suggestion.

Wasted Greatness Award
MassiveCocks

Mahomes, Tua, AND Waddle all dropped 28+ and 7BigPapi still got cooked — fantasy football is cruel.

Participation Trophy
226 Alpha

100.68 points, last place on the scoreboard, beaten by 52 — szara, log in next week, please.