Hot Cocks Out Early, Hard, and All Over The Good Ladds

Week 1 kicked off with a 40-burger blowout, a Saquon resurrection in Philly, and Patrick leaving an entire CVS receipt of points on his bench.

Power Rankings

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Hot Cocks

168 points and a 30-burger left on the bench — BigD is the only person in the league who can be greedy AND wasteful in the same week.

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LargestofRocks

Two Jaydens, a 32-point spread, and Dobbins still in his back pocket — this roster is loaded and obnoxious.

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Put an AR to My Head

Saquon and A-Rich combined for 60 and Kyle still nearly got dragged by Bo Nix Celli — win's a win, but tighten up.

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Jets' Juniors

96.6% lineup efficiency in Week 1 means Wunder is either a robot or just hasn't logged off Sleeper since June.

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226 Alpha

Cooper Kupp went full 2021 and Szara cashed it for the W — congrats on beating the league's biggest self-saboteur.

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T swift's Baddies

Lamar carried, Alec Pierce sat, and Tnicolle still snuck out a win against the Stroud Boys carcass.

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Bo Nix Celli

125 points in a loss is the most Nick Celli way to start a season imaginable — moral victory, real defeat.

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The Good Ladds

Josh Allen drops 31 and you lose by 40 — Mig, the rest of your roster is doing pickleball stretches.

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The Olave Garden

Left 39.88 on the bench in Week 1 — Patrick, the lineup-setting tutorial pops up for a reason.

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MassiveCocks

117 points isn't terrible, but running into the Jayden Twins in Week 1 is just bad luck wearing a name tag.

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Stroud Boys

107 points in a SuperFlex league with C.J. as your namesake is a cry for help, Jewett.

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OnlyFants

Lowest score in the league, Week 1 — Cubby, the subscription model isn't paying out yet.

Match of the Week

Put an AR to My Head edging Bo Nix Celli 134-124 was the only game with any heart rate variability all week. Saquon dropped 33.20 in his Eagles debut and Anthony Richardson chipped in 27 — meanwhile Kyle had Derek Carr riding pine with 21.30, meaning he could've won by 30 and still had room to talk shit. Nick lost a coin-flip shootout in Week 1 and somehow that already feels on-brand.

BigD opened the season by treating The Good Ladds like a tackling dummy — 168.10 to 128.06, a 40-point demolition where Baker Mayfield (29.66), Joe Mixon (26.80), and Tyreek (26.00) all popped off, and Hot Cocks STILL left Isaiah Likely's 30.60 rotting on the bench. You scored 168 with the worst lineup decision of the week. Disgusting and impressive. Mig, meanwhile, got 31 from Josh Allen and still got bodied by 40 — that's a 'maybe dynasty isn't for me' opening act.

LargestofRocks dropped 149.84 on MassiveCocks behind Jayden Reed's 33.10 and Jayden Daniels' 28.16, with J.K. Dobbins (22.90) sitting on the bench just for fun. Two Jaydens and a benched RB1 — Papi never had a chance.

Wunder smoked Cubby 137-106, hit 96.6% lineup efficiency (the only adult in the room this week), and sent OnlyFants home as the lowest scorer in the league. Chris, 106 points in a SuperFlex league is a misdemeanor.

226 Alpha rode Cooper Kupp's 32 to a win over The Olave Garden, who pulled off the Patrickreegs Special: scored 118, had 158 sitting in his lineup, and benched Jameson Williams for 24.40. Reegs, you literally had the win in your locker room and forgot the key.

T Swift's Baddies got Lamar's 25 and held off Jewett, whose Stroud Boys offense looked like it was still in training camp installs. Alec Pierce went for 21.50 on Tnicolle's bench too, because nobody in this league apparently knows how to set a starting lineup. Welcome to 2024 — half the league won, the other half is already filing complaints with the commish.

Weekly Awards

Lineup Setting Hall of Shame

The Olave Garden

Benched 39.88 points and Jameson Williams' 24-burger — Patrick scored 118 with a 158-point lineup just begging to be played.

Stat-Padder of the Week

Hot Cocks

168 points, a 40-point W, AND Likely's 30.60 on the pine — BigD bullied the league for sport.

Dead On Arrival

OnlyFants

106.72 points and a 30-point loss — Cubby looked like he confused Week 1 with the preseason finale.

Heartbreaker Special

Bo Nix Celli

Drops 124, loses by 9, and the season's already trending toward 'so close, so often.'